Sitting near some young people on a train on the Avocet Line the other day, I was able aurally to observe and study the dialect spoken by some of Today’s Youth. St Pythag’s Liturgical Innovation Forum Joint Working Group therefore recommends modernising the text of the Plainsong Propers to make them like more accessible to Young People.

Thus for Easter III today we will experiment with using:-

Introit: O BE joyful in God, all ye lands, alleluia: it’s like so amazing to sing praises unto the honour of his Name, alleluia: to like just make his praise to be so glorious, alleluia, amazing, alleluia. Say unto God, O how wonderful art thou in thy works, O Lord: it’s I mean like through the greatness of thy power shall thine effin’ enemies be so found liars unto thee. V. Glory be.

Offertory: Praise the Lord, O my soul: while I live will I praise the Lord: yea, like as long as I just have any being, I will I mean so like sing praises unto my God, alleluia.

Communion: A little while, and ye shall not see me, alleluia: and like again a little while, and you so shall just see me, it’s like I mean because I go to the Father, alleluia, amazeluia.

Just joking, but shows why the words we say, sing & pray together benefit from rhythm, cadence and slightly more formality than the everyday.

In an 8 hour Great British Rail Journey that would turn Michael Portillo’s jacket green with envy, we recently took what I like to call the Cathedrals Express Cross-Country service from Exeter to Edinburgh; one can count, I think, 10 Anglican cathedral cities and 14 dioceses on the journey, and the following commentary was the result. It would be nice sometime to do the corresponding Cathedrals Crawl, stopping and visiting those en route.

The family Pythag also enjoyed the wide-ranging Celts Exhibition currently at the Museum of Scotland in Edinburgh, including a lovely reconstruction of a Celtic chariot. How well did a Celtic chariot accelerate? It depended on the amount of torcs.

The next Pychester Short Story might start something like this:-

St Pythag’s School performance of “Lazytown – The Musical” had been excellent and surprisingly topical. In Lazytown, Sportacus decided everyone would be much healthier if they had 24/7 Sports Candy (fruit) and made the fruit growers work longer for less to provide it. Robbie Rotten’s latest austerity scheme was to squeeze the Pips of those lazy disabled kids, but he relented when Pixel arranged a social media campaign and Stingy resigned. Mayor Meanswell thought everyone would be happier if he ruled the world, especially if Lazytown were on its own planet, but forgot that Bessie Busybody really pulled the strings. Meanwhile Stephanie sang, danced & turned cartwheels, tried to hold the whole show together, and said her pink dress came from a Fairtrade offshore outlet.

Coming to his senses, Peregrine Pythag gazed through the open curtains and oblong window of the bedroom at the circles within circles of St Pythag’s Rose window, lovely even from without as the morning sun warmed the honey stone of the south aisle and transept, but at its sensuous colourful best for the Joy of Evensong on warm Summer nights.

Oh, the complexities of the Church of St Pythagoras & All Angles. The multifaceted jewel comprising congregation, choir, servers and clergy had held together during the Interregnum, welcoming a variety of well-chosen locum priests. But soon would come the Installation of their new Priest-in-Charge. For, back in mid-February, Bishop Rick and Archdeacon Idris had made an offer down at the carelessly named Blue Anchor Inn that the Churchwardens couldn’t refuse.

“What’s your website say? Traditional Church for Today – time to show it, chaps. We’ve got a lovely clergy couple looking to relocate out of London with their children. As you will have noticed, Bishop Rick has been building one of his 50 Sheds of Pray down by the River Pyke, between the Allotments and that new housing estate, Jurassic Park, where the diggersaurs tore up the grass and trees and deposited nicely spaced 4-bed homes. And now it’s fini-shed.”

“Just so, Idris. Of course, St Simon Says wanted to do the Church Plant, but it’s in your Parish; your big chance to man up for the Gospel and diversity. Don’t panic! Fr Helen knows the score; she’ll do Earthy Churchy in the Shed down by the riverside; got a smile to flutter a thousand sails; you will support her, I’m sure. And Fr Basil will look after all the priestly stuff up at St Pythag’s… unless you want… No, okay. Well, Thomas doubted at first, but he got over it, experience – touch and go, I always say – in a positive, safeguarded sort of way. Wonderful!”

“So, Fulge, Jesu fulge, as we say. The Archdeacon will effect the paperwork. See you for the Installations. I’ll expect an “Ecce sacerdos magnus” from your choir, always enjoy your bunfights. Must dash, train to London, General Synod, don’t you know. Ciao!”

Words for the Oxford Movement English Dictionary.
Cassock – elderly garment with missing buttons thrown on before the service to make you unattractive to the opposite sex. (Thanks to @theladyorganist)
Ineffably – without swearing.
Panna Cotta – Favourite dessert of Servers.
Reform & Renewal – last year’s campaign of the CofE to make it more fit for purpose.
Renewal & Reform – the current campaign of the CofE to make it more fit for purpose.
ReNewAll – the Spring slogan of Blessed John Lewis.
Spice – the variety of life.

And finally, 17th April be the day 23 years ago when Mrs Pythag and I plighted our troth either to other in the historic Church of St Edward, King & Martyr, in Cambridge, a church recently glimpsed in a couple of episodes of Grantchester.

Richard Barnes – with personal views from St Pythag’s fresh espresso of church < ;-)>>

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My thoughts on a bountiful Easter Weekend, the Walk of Witness, Tenebrae, Easter Gardens and Storm Katie, are offered in an Easter Triptych for you to open and view.

And one I wrote earlier for Advent IV seemed appropriate in memory of Ronnie Corbett

Also the St Pythag’s April never-a-Crossword.
With 36 clues, many involving a P, most mentioned in St Pythag’s Blogs
over the past 2 years, 3 in Latin, some fairly silly, not sure how difficult it will be. Good Luck! Solution in a fortnight or so.

Allow me a lighter St Pythag’s moment, with some things that might have been overheard over Easter:-

Spring, when an old man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of gardening.

Why is Jesus riding on a llama, Daddy?
Because he’s the Llama of God, that takest away the sins of the world. (Have mercy upon me.)

It’s standard polyphony where the Sops go up and the Basses go down for the climax.

Jesus said, “Mary Easter!” and Mary replied, “Ravioli” which means Pasta. Jesus said, “Don’t tango with me.”
Or in another translation, “Don’t Klingon to me, for Scotty hath not yet beamed me up.”

Our Archbishop Josephine of Stonehenge, Primate of the Orthogonal Church of St Pythagoras, was so chastened and chased by the other Primates at the Tea Party in Canterbury in January that our Genial Synod has agreed to the Quod Erat Declaration that allows interchange of clergy between our Church and the CofE. This should allow a swift end to the interregnum at St Pythag’s and other exciting developments like the Shed of Pray down at the Allotments by the River Pyke, once I’ve had time to do some further writing. And how baby Carol, born to Jo & Mary in the Choir Vestry at Christmas, came back to St Pythag’s at Easter to be baptised.

Meanwhile, if you can cope with a bit of strong language and sexual references, I recommend Realms of Glory being blogged weekly by Catherine Fox. (You may have to scroll to bottom and hit older posts a few times to find Chapter 1.)

The name of St Pythag’s actually made it into print in the Church Times Caption Competition for Thurs 24th March, as the picture of the Bishop of Dudley putting on fireman’s breathing apparatus inspired “Full smoke, flame and water protection was advisable for Little St Pythag’s Patronal High Mass.” Kudos but no chocolate.

And as Archdruid Eileen of the Beaker Folk wrote during Lent – “The Genesis [a Rock Band, m'Lord] boys were just the right age to have grown up with optimism. The flower-power bunch thought that given enough love, enough drugs, enough sex, enough flowers and enough hair, the world could be put right. There was just one problem. Human nature.”

That’s why we still need Jesus, the Gospel, and Christianity. To take God seriously, but not ourselves too seriously. In the Happy Sundays of and after Easter, blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.

Richard Barnes.

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The Angle C Connection.
In 1706, William Jones, a self-taught mathematician and one of Anglesey’s most famous sons, published Synopsis palmariorum matheseos, roughly translated as A summary of achievements in mathematics. It is a work of great historical interest because it is where the symbol π appears for the first time in scientific literature to denote the ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter. It is thought that he chose π because it is the first letter of the Greek words for periphery (περιφέρεια) and perimeter (περίμετρος). The use of the symbol π was then popularised in 1737 by Swiss mathematician Leonhard Euler.

The Maths Angle.
It’s funny how the mnemonics learned as a child remain with one:-
Now I even I would celebrate in rhymes inapt the great immortal Syracusan rivaled nevermore who in his wondrous lore passed on before left men his guidance how to circles mensurate. (Published by A C Orr in 1906, the Syracusan is Archimedes who used Pythgoras’ Theorem to show that pi lay between 22/7 and 223/71) The mnemonic gives:-
Pi = 3.141592653589793238462643383279 accurate to 30 decimal places.
Other options are:-
Pre-decimal pi = 22/7 a useful approximation, but mathematically misleading since π is irrational and cannot be represented as a fraction of whole numbers.
All-day pi = 24/7 is just me being silly.
American Pie = It’s a teen R movie recurring, or that unfathomable Don McLean song from 1971.
Raspberry Pi = 3.14**@!
Piscy = member of the Scottish Episcopal Church.
Pixy = Area of an ellipse with axes x & y.
Pizza = volume of a pizza with radius z and depth a, must be deep and crisp and even.
The volume of Wine produced for the Wedding at Cana in Galilee is an exercise for the reader.

An internet search will find a countably infinite number of “maths jokes”; here are just 100 of them:-
1. There are 10 types of person, those who understand binary and those who don’t.
10. Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side.
11. What do you get if you cross a mountaineer with a mosquito? Nothing, you can’t cross a scalar with a vector.
100. Which Carol contains the largest binary number? Probably “Ding dong merrily on high … and 101010 by priest and people sungen.” That’s 42 in decimal.

Finally a Classical Physics question – What is a millihelen (mH)?
The quantity of facial beauty required to launch one ship. In the Troy system of units, obviously.

Happi St Pythag’s Day,
Richard Barnes.

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Having spent 4 blessed years at the University of St Andrews, and with Wee Frees as in-laws, I feel I know a little of the complexities of the Scottish churches, so I am saddened but not surprised that the C of E has chosen to snub and upset our Scottish Episcopal Church fellows by making a bipartite agreement, The Columba Declaration, with the presbyterian Church of Scotland, where I have friends also. (Richard Barnes, personal comments)

Dr Forster came from Chester with a cool disdain,
He stepped on the Piscies because they were frisky,
But @Synod now shares in the shame.

John Knox and Samuel Seabury look down from Heaven on the General Synod and agree, “Flippin’ Sassenachs! Where’s Jenny Geddes when you need her?”

And to paraphrase the Prime Minister in “Love Actually” – I love that word “Declaration”. Covers all manner of sins, doesn’t it? I fear that this has become a ColumBADeclaration. Based on the English Bishop & Synod taking exactly what they want and casually ignoring all those things that really matter to the Scottish Episcopal Church. We may be a small church but we’re a great one. The church of St Andrew and St Ninian, Ss Mary, Mungo & Midge, the Epiclesis, Qualifiers and Non-jurors, Samuel Seabury, Old St Paul’s, and Richard Holloway.

It seems the CofE’s “Centre of Mass” is now closer to the CofS than the SEC.

Why do Evangelicals only have 129 characters for their tweets?
Because every tweet has to start “So excited!”

A little Lenten levity to lighten the lentils, with some affectionately satirical comments on last month’s Anglican Primates’ Gathering.

Archbishop Jo King of Stonehenge, Primate of the Orthogonal Church of St Pythagoras tweets, “So excited to have been invited to the Primates’ Tea Party in Canterbury this time last month!”

Although our phantasy Church is only tangentially in communion with the Anglican Communion owing to our position on Some-Sex Marriage and the doctrine of the right-angled Trinity, it was definitely a God-moment to share firm handshakes, limp cucumber sandwiches and competitive table-top Croquet with my fellow Primates.

While the other Primates were polishing their Communiqué, I found a jotter in me briefcase and penned a wee poem to Inclusivity.

An Ode to Inclusivity
Here I am Lord, is it I, Lord?
Love one another with a pure heart fervently.
God is Love, and where true love is, God is there.
Be still and know that I am God.
Tell out my soul, the glory of the Lord.
I, the Lord of sea and sky,
Quaintly creating gender, sexuality, intimacy, love.
Companionship for all; sharing bread and wine.
So don’t give up for Lent,
Walk on with pride, loving God,
And loving your neighbour AND yourself.

Then there was the interesting revelation that Archbishop Justin was converted, not on the playing fields of Eton but by African Bishops on a mission to darkest England in the 1970s. I well remember the Partners In Mission Project which was going to revive the Church of England by getting us all dancing and drumming in the aisles. But it went much the same way as the 1960s Decade of Decadence, the 1990s Decade of Evangelism and the 2000s Decade of Dostoevsky. Only the 1980s Faith in the City seems to have left much impression on our saecula society.

No doubt the current CofE scheme of Reform & Renewal will create Consultants & Advisors a-plenty to halt and reverse the sad decline in belief and church attendance, and will appear more successful because it is downplaying the pastoral needs of the ordinary person in the pew and concentrating on ‘developing leadership’. In particular a “talent pool” will be used to ensure all new Bishops and Deans have passed their Leadership Proficiency Badge.

We all know that leaders are more enthusiastic, active and successful than ordinary people, so it is logical that by getting more and more people to be leaders, our churches will become more exciting and successful. But all can join in the Blessings of the Talent Pool; for conservatives they will trickle down, for radicals they will be widely redistributed with aspergilla, and for liberals it would be nice if we were all just a bit more wet.

I got told off for expressing doubt, but St John only wrote in his Epistle that perfect Love casteth out fear, not that perfect Faith is without doubt or questions, nor that perfect Hope is without disappointment and occasional failure.

After Tea we shared in a time of a Service of Choral Evensong with Evening Prayer Ministry.

Lambeth Place tweeted – So excited; Good news as the Church of England firms up its mission position on Traditional Marriage.

The Alpha male of the troop sang:-
Lord, now lettest Thou Thy Primates depart in peace, according to my wish.
For mine eyes have seen our Communiqué, which we have prepared before the face of straight people; to be a light to lighten the liberals, and to be the glory of Thy people evangelical.
And the Primates responded:-
True men shall rise up like David and Solomon, except these days they will have to be satisfied with one wife and no concubines.

Hallow Magazine reported that Treasurers and Organists throughout the country were hugely disappointed that they would be missing out on the sudden windfall of Fees that could have resulted from the Church of England offering Same-Sex Marriage Services.

On a Serious Note:- For a Proper Reflection on the Aftermath of the Anglican Primates’ Gathering, please come to the St Michael’s Lecture by Revd Dr Barry Norris at 7.30pm on Wed 16 March.

On another Serious Note:- In a St Michael’s Lecture at 7.30pm on Wed 24 February, Br Michael Jerome will ask whether the Church is any better or worse than Society at large in its support for, or prejudice against, people with mental illness.

And finally, the Pythgoras Institute of Indisciplinary Studies has discovered in the Codex Dinhamensis two additional verses to the well-known 1970s children’s worship song “If I were a Butterfly” for use by Servers and Choristers.

If I were a Thurible, I’d thank you Lord for my sweet smoke,
If I were an Aspegillum, I’d spread your Holy Water over folk,
And if I were a Candlestick, I’d thank you Lord for my fine wick,
But I just thank you Father for making me me.
‘Cos you gave me a cassock and you gave me a cotta,
You gave me Jesus and you made me your Server,
And I just thank you Father for making me me.

If I were a Soprano, I’d thank you Lord for my high notes,
If I were a Tenor or a Bass, I’d thank you Lord for my poise and grace,
And if I were a fine Alto, I’d thank you Lord when I got a different note,
But I just thank you Father for making me me.
‘Cos you gave me a cassock and you gave me a surplice,
You gave me Plainsong Propers, and the prayer that Jesus tortoise,
And I just thank you Father for making me doh ray me.

Happy Lent.

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Christmas Eve and young Pychester University Graduates, Jo & Mary, one unexpectedly pregnant, are returning to Pychester from North Devon by Stagecoach Bus (more like a donkey says Jo) with no plans other than continuing to avoid their parents, who don’t know about the baby which is due any day.

Jo works as an engineer for a Christian Green Energy company, Wave, Sun & Wind – the sustainable trinity. Mary teaches Maths & R.E.. It had been a bit embarrassing when the kids started talking – should’ve paid more attention in S&R lessons, Miss – but she really wanted this special baby now. Mary seems to have fallen pregnant at the Spring Equinox rave at Stonehenge, when she felt overshadowed by a white winged presence. Jo has no recollection of this and is mystified how it could have happened, but is forgiving and loyal.

The Shepherd family farms on the hills above the River Pyke and they have diversified into alpacas, providing wool to craft knitters producing Christmas jumpers for the well-heeled hunters of special gifts in London boutiques.

Last Christmas their new Evangelical Vicar banned the long established village West Gallery Band & Quire as “folk religion”. But the way he had done Church and shared Jesus at St Simon Says in Pychester didn’t excite the country folk and tired commuters of Nether Pyke, and now he plays drums in the Worship Group to a near empty Church.

An Angel, or it might have been that advert for BBC Radio 6 Music, told the Shepherds, “There is a place, where sacred music comes to life. A church like no other in Pychester, with one foot in its Victorian past, and one in the future. A place to make new friendships and discoveries, and find amazing live music. Where the next Mass or Motet you hear, could be the best church music ever composed. This is St Pythagoras & All Angles, where friendly people meet God in formal worship and fine music.” So they hied off to St Pythag’s, and now they come and worship there, singing in the choir.

Three wise and wealthy men from London, that great Imperial city in the East, where you can buy anything and anyone if you have the finance, have travelled to Pychester St David’s early on Christmas Eve from Paddington by Great Western Railway. First Class, of course, but that stretch from Newbury to Westbury still reminded two of them of the camel ride on last year’s foursome holiday to see what little was left of the treasures of Persia with their wives.

They follow to where the bright red light hangs on the crane over the Guildhall redevelopment like Rudolph’s nose, leaving their cases and gifts at the fully-booked Royal Lion Hotel. They are Thomas, a surgeon, Richard, a banker, and Harold, a software engineer and church musician.

Harold, mid-30s, is in a relationship with Lizzie, the pretty young Curate at their prosperous West London Church, St Anna’s, mother of the Blessed Virgin Mary and patron saint of stair-lifts. They met at the Croquet-themed Lent Course and hit it off straight away, swinging his mallet firmly in her direction.

But Lizzie needs time for her Parish and parents at Christmas, and so has arranged for Harold, with Thomas & Richard, to volunteer, serving lunches and seasonal cheer to the homeless, at St Petrock’s Centre in Pychester for a few days. Go West, you men, she said, with a twinkle in her eye.

Thomas & Richard, late-50s, are long-time friends, with children not long left home and wives, Christina & Annabel, who have just started living together in Thomas’s house. So Thomas has had to move in with Richard and they are looking at friendship and intimacy from a different angle.

Richard had joked at the Men’s Advent Breakfast that there was more excitement these days in the bedroom department in John Lewis than in his marriage, and Thomas confided the “only connect” he had with his wife now involved Egyptian hieroglyphs.

However, they will all meet up for a civilised New Year party at Harold’s parents’ large house in the Cotswolds. ‘Aga Father’ Christians, Lizzie calls them, but their hearts are in the right place, running the local FoodBank and complaining to their MP about the impact yet another round of cuts is having on services in Bourton-on-the-Wold.

The three men have gifts ready for their partners; a warm golden alpaca Xmas jumper, a bottle of frankincense perfume (for the woman priest in your life, the advert said), and a cuddly Teddy (more in hope than expectation).

Their first clients for lunches at St Petrock’s having been served and cheered, the men repair to Caffe Nerd, as Harold calls it, to skype Lizzie in St Anna’s church office as she prepares for the Christingle service. “There’s still a few of us left in the big orange,” she says. “I’ve told Pixy you’ll sing Midnight Mass at St Pythag’s tonight, Harry. Choir practice at 10 o’clock sharp.”

Jo & Mary are walking slowly in from the Bus Station past the 3 dozen decorated Christmas trees along the Roman Wall; so many needs, but so much charity, compassion and generosity too.

With no room at the Grandiloquent Carol Service at Pychester Cathedral, owing to Elf & Safety, Thomas, Richard & Harold head back to their hotel for canned carols and a wassail cup of local cider, just minutes before Jo & Mary are turned away from the cathedral too.

The Street Pastor, tells them the real Good News is at St Simon Says, but it’s so noisy and crowded, and Jo & Mary feel fingers on Bible verses judging them. They leave as the preacher gets into his stride; never mind Mary on her donkey, God could just have sent Jesus on the Palm Sunday donkey to save sinners; this Christmas Jesus was a first instalment in paying the price for our sins. It was like they’d jumped 3 months and 30-odd years – it’s Christmas, for heaven’s sake!

Pret a Manger is more welcoming and Jo asks if the Baby Jesus is in the Manger yet. There are Christmas sandwiches, warm smiles and Py-lattes (the only workout I can cope with now quips Mary, great with child), until it closes and they are out into the cold, cold winter’s night.

In Candy Street, the shops selling Yuletide gifts, magic crystals, alternative therapies and baby clothes have all closed, and the clubs are getting lively. With a biting wind and snow in the air, as foretold by the weather forecasters, Paul Street was even more an Abomination of Desolation than normal. So Jo & Mary plod slowly now down to their old haunt at the City Gate Hotel.

Peter Shepherd holds the door open for them. “We’re just warming the toes and tonsils before choir practice,” he says. “Can I get you something?” Jo & Mary join his wife, Agnes, and their children, Shaun and Eve, high maintenance now but worth every pound, for a drink.

With the Hotel fully booked, the Shepherds suggest Jo & Mary come to St Pythag’s with them for Midnight Mass. “You can come back with us afterwards,” said Agnes, “we had Eve at Christmas 20 years ago; looks like you’ve not got long to wait now, Mary.” “Where do we live, Shaun?” “Don’t tell them, Nether Pyke!” And they all laugh.

“Jo’s brother, Gabriel, sings at Salisbury,” says Mary, blushing. Snow is falling, snow on snow, as they cross the Victorian Iron Bridge with its Narnia street-lights to St Pythag’s Church. The sharp-eyed Peregrines watch from their lofty pinnacles as two young pigeons flutter past, but they are safe tonight; their sacrifice still 40 days away.

Mary & Jo sit at the back while the Choir rehearses. They all seem to be bilingual in English and Latin and are rather good. Jo checks the history and geography of the place on the fascinating church website. One of the tenors looks like that new guy at Lizzie’s church in London, thinks Jo, as Mary returns from the loo with the news. “Waters broken – I’m scared, love.”

The candlelight is not too dim nor the clouds of incense from the procession too thick for Mary not to notice her father and Uncle Thomas slipping in in the nick of time with snow on their shoes, as the Full Moon smiles down on an expectant Pychester.

“So that’s why you two have been avoiding us all Autumn,” whispers Thomas. “I thought you’d realised about Christina and Annabel, and were not as broad-minded as you young folk are supposed to be. How frequent are the contractions, Mary? I delivered you, as your mother will have told you, and unless you’d rather chance A&E at midnight, it looks like I may be delivering your baby too. Relax and let the beauty of the music and liturgy, and the mystery of the Incarnation waft over you. There’s 150 years of faithful prayer and holy people around us. Is there a vestry if we need it?”

Fr Jonathan’s sermon is based on Thomas Hardy’s poem, The Oxen, 100 years old this very night. “Christmas Eve, and twelve of the clock. Now they are all on their knees. When I was a rural priest on Dartmoor, the heavenly and the earthy came together more easily for country folk. The three great days were Rogation Sunday, Harvest Festival and Christmas; the church year and the farming year in harmony.”

“But then as now, and back when Jesus was born, people were concerned, afraid despite the message of the Angels, at the necessary but nasty business of war where there should have been peace on earth. And while St Paul puts Love ahead of Faith and Hope, for many this Christmas, Hope for peace is top of their Santa list – the list of holy things, our prayers. With the world and people moving so fast, we have the social media but do we really talk or listen? Do we still have a message worth sharing? Tonight in the birth of the Christchild, the prince of peace, we do.”

They stop to look at the baby Jesus in his manger now. Soon Joseph, Mary and the child would be refugees in Egypt for a few years, until Herod was gone and they could return to Nazareth. The organist plays a suitably pastoral improvisation on the fine restored pipe organ, as they smile at Harry in the choir and wait to receive Communion. Getting up from the altar rail, Mary feels a movement, grabs Jo’s arm and looks hopefully at Uncle Thomas.

Into the choir vestry, put on the heater, Richard gets some hot water from the steaming urn which the ladies at the back had felt might be needed, and grabs some tea towels, not for dressing up as shepherds now. This is a simple story, naïve you might say, so as the choir sings “In dulci jubilo”, the birth of this Christmas baby is swift “in praesepio … matris in gremio” and safe “ubi sunt gaudia … nova cantica”.

“We could call her ‘Dulcie’ then,” says a euphorically relieved Jo, “or ‘Babybel’ after your mother.”

“I think she’ll prefer ‘Carol’,” whispers an exhausted Mary, as she takes the baby in her arms for her first cuddle and feed.

At St Anna’s in London, Revd Lizzie sits Christina and Annabel down amid the post-Mass chatter, prosecco and nibbles. “There’s something I need to tell you – don’t panic. By some strange miracle you’ve both just become grandmothers – your children seem to be just as complex as their parents. Somehow Jo & Mary are at Pychester with Tom & Dick, and Gabriel has just fainted in the choir stalls at Salisbury.”

“I know it’s Christmas, but another virgin birth does seem medically unlikely,” enquires Thomas doubtfully.

“Yes, sorry Jo, I didn’t know how to tell you,” Mary replies. “I couldn’t risk losing you. Remember we were visiting Gabriel at Salisbury for Passion Sunday and Annunciation. We’ve been friends so long, grown up together, you and he and me. Gabriel and I both wanted to see if there was more between us now. It was nice, and very effective, but it wasn’t love. Gabriel is thinking about coming out – no, not leaving the Choir, silly, he loves floating around in that white surplice. But it’s you that I truly love, Joanna.”

Richard Barnes – Church of St Pythagoras & All Angles – December 2015.
(Occasional similarities to people and places you might recognise are unavoidable and kindly meant.)

If you enjoyed this seasonal offering, a little donation to St Michael’s would be most appreciated. An earlier, slightly longer and more preachy version can be downloaded as Pychester Christmas Story. Merry Christmas.

St Michael’s, like St Pythag’s, seeks to share the love, joy and forgiveness of God with all, single or partnered, wherever events have drawn our graphs in the complex phase-space of faith, hope, relationship, sexuality and gender.

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Its anticipation brought out the autumnal poet in me, throwing a few ideas at the poetry wheel and on it fashioning an informal seasonal sonnet:-

Ploughed fields like brown cord trousers.
Harvest moon will turn red, like the blood
Shed for us, with us, as us, on the other side of the Year.
Morning breath wets the beard like Asperges,
Then rises like the sweet-smelling Incense,
Awakening the Matins chime of your faithful, fallen, Autumn people.
This season of Remembrance of Easter vigilance,
Resurrection of All Souls’ faithfulness,
Requiem embrace of your welcoming outstretched arms,
Reliquary of loves sacrificed on the Altars of Duty.
Brick-coloured leaves lay and nourish the foundations,
Of my empirical faith in the Space-time physics of the Father,
The compassion, company, compulsion of the Begotten,
The decaying ripples of the Spirit’s disturbing, distributing breath.

Another fragment of joy glimpsed a week or so ago:-
Love on Sidwell Street is the unashamed devotion of the fit young man
Bending to re-tie the laces of his girlfriend’s shoes.
Smiles warm the hearts of we oldies on the passing bus,
Whose ardour has cooled, embarrassment grown,
Magnetism been dulled by hysteresis, the stress and strain of life.
Walk on, hand in hand; today you were her great tie priest.

The Last Sunday in September used to be called “Back to Church” Sunday, when you were encouraged to invite a friend, colleague or stranger to your church, by saying something like “Why don’t we do something exciting this Sunday – or failing that you could come to Church with me. It’s a bit like the Gym – Kneel, Stand, Sing, Sit – and a Concert – brilliant a cappella group – and window shopping – beautiful Stained Glass and Vestments – and the papers – Prayers, Sermon – and a drink – coffee or vino – all rolled into one.”

Bishop Rick’s endorsement of Church Plants had a remarkable effect on our local conservative evangelical church, St Corinthians 1 & 2, so successful they named it twice, and so popular there are 2 services every Sunday morning to hear their comfortable sermons about God’s wrath and displeasure at sinful Panama hats. With great humility they encouraged folk to reduce their “prayer-miles” and to “Church Local”, to mulch the church near where they live.

(Serious bit) World Mental Health Day on Saturday 10 October produced 2 contrasting blogs; the worthy but rather patronising official CofE one and a lived-in one, though the comment is also pertinent that it’s safer to be open about one’s mental health if well-known and working in the voluntary sector.

Since satire often says more about the author than the target, St Pythag’s is keeping Sunday 11 October, Trinity XIX both prime and palindromic, as Neurotypical Awareness Sunday, when we think of those who don’t check whether the hymn numbers are palindromic or prime or powers, don’t get confused in Sermons with multiple metaphors, don’t have difficulty with eye contact when exchanging the Peace, don’t have a year’s collection of the weekly notice sheets, don’t see words in car number plates, don’t remember the number of steps to the ringing chamber in the tower (92), and haven’t wondered whether Exeter Cathedral’s postcode ending in IHS is a holy coincidence or allocated deliberately.

The Installation of our first lady Suffragette Bishop, Rt Revd Sarah Malarkey, in the stall of St Aeldwulfa in Pychester Cathedral last month was a glorious occasion, and graciously avoided any feminism by using the previous Sunday’s BCP Collect about “the increase of faith, hope, and charity”, and not “Keep, we beseech thee, O Lord, thy Church with thy perpetual mercy; and, because the frailty of man without thee cannot but fall, keep us ever by thy help from all things hurtful, and lead us to all things profitable to our salvation.”

(Another serious bit) Like all who’ve made it successfully to the hierarchy from Archbishops down, Bp Sarah in her otherwise great sermon seemed to assume that every other Christian must be self-confident, prosperous and healthy too. Well, we at St Py’s welcome all, wheresoever you shine on the spectrum of faith – quiet, confident, confused or questioning – but especially those who still want to walk with Jesus and do God despite what life has thrown at us, of disappointment, difficulty or illness. To me, that’s the real world and the real church too.

As St Paul once said, “when I was a child, I thought like a child.” Watching Saturday Grandstand L years ago I always wondered how that horse called “Bar” could run in so many races at different places in a single afternoon. It must get exhausted; no wonder it always had the longest odds.

When I became a man, I thought like a man, which is politically incorrect these days, unless you’re a comedian. But as I don’t have the gifts to be a Stand-up for Jesus, these St Pythagoras Blogs are my attempts at Write-down humour.

Funny how so many Saints had girlfriends called Eve. This year the Cathedral had Eve of St Peter in June and has Eve of Saints Simon & Jude in October! At St Pythag’s the Confronternity of the Lacy Cottas celebrated Eve of St Thomas in July. There was Eve of the Holy Cross. Even St Agnes apparently had an Eve. Poor old St Joseph, of course, husband of the Virgin Mary, had to be content with the thrill of the chaste.

So it’s time to preview my Autumn schedule of imaginary TV programmes. After the success of last year’s PyTV Falconry Competition, “Britain’s got Talons”, this year we’re at the Court of King James, VI of one and I of the other, following the Medieval Pentathlon Championships – that’s Falconry, Archery, Jousting, Lute-playing and Poetry-writing.

Pythag FM, the Fantasy Music station is offering “These are a few of my favourite Hymns” and for “Bach to Church Sunday” giving JSBach’s reduced B minor Mass its first liturgical performance. Just missing out the more difficult development section in the middle of each movement, I made a 40% shorter but perfectly performable Kyrie & Gloria a few years ago. Producing a recognisable and usable Missa Brevis in B minor lasting say just 20 minutes, instead of 2 hours, will require even more radical pruning. I issue a composition challenge.

For children of all ages, CPyTV presenter Ed Petrie-Dish goes up-market to see how the other half-a-percent live in “All over the Palace”. First stop is Justin’s House, Lambeth Palace. The big song number is a reworking of Horrible Histories’ classic Hieroglyphics Song – Everyone needs their ABC, it’s as easy as Alpha, Smile, Mitre.

Following his controversial BBC series on “Sex & the Church”, Professor Dairymaid Panama-Hat is producing a new docudrama for PyTV. It follows the lives and loves of reformed young hippy, Augustine, ageing song-writer Ambrose, and their fellow professional theologians through the doubts and temptations of late 4th century down-town Milano. Yes, it’s “Sex and the City of God”. Warning: may contain scenes of a theological nature.

The Trumpet Tune by Jeremiah Clarkson introduces PyTV’s new motoring magazine, Middle Lane. They test drive the new Citroen Picasso – it costs a fortune, only comes in blue, and the ride is rather bumpy owing to all 4 cubist wheels being on the same side. Then they search the archives for cars that never made it off the drawing-board – the Austin Andante, the Morris Moderato, the Renault Rallentando, the Fiat Mihi with its Secundum Verbum Tuum Sat Nav renowned for altering one’s destiny, the Ford Kanga with plenty of storage space but a bouncy ride, and for former boy racers the Vauxhall Viadana. Hot of the press now is the Volkswagen Thurifer – don’t worry about the smoke, there’s a catholic converter.

A few more words for the Oxford Movement English Dictionary:-
Consultant – someone who tells you what to do.
Inestimable – you may use a calculator.
Maccabees – Scottish Taxi firm.
Palindromedary – camel with a head at each end.
Professional – someone who has been trained never to admit they might have been wrong, and certainly never to apologise.

And finally, the Lord’s Prayer rewritten for the New Atheists:-
Our Forefathers, who aren’t in any Heaven, hallowed be thy memes, thy DNA come, thy genes be done in birth as they were in the Devonian; give us this rotational period our necessary resources, and forgive us nothing, as we know we have made no mistakes, and lead us not into religion, but deliver us from humility, for ours is the Reductionism, the Progress and the Hubris, now and until we decay. Ah, humanity!

Richard Barnes (writing personally)

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Meanwhile, Pychester Diocesan Synod has rejected the Report “We’re all sinning from the same hymn sheet in unison” on the grounds of poor proofreading and its being institutionally homophonic. It was revised and reissued as “Let’s have a stab at singing 4-part harmony and resolving discords graciously”.

A minority report “Coming out to pray” acknowledged the long heritage of gay Christians in the Church and affirmed the value of all believers, as we do at St Pythagoras & All Angles. And Synod rescinded last year’s embarrassing ban on some-sex marriage.

Does anyone remember this? That was 100 Hymns for 1969; about 30 for today. Funny how modern “hymn” books go out of their way to use inclusive language, but never alter words like servant, king, lord, master, majesty for our less deferential age.

At Pychester Cathedral, Canon Toni Peregrini, the new Precentor (so named for giving the Choristers their Christmas Presents) was commissioned with the laying on of jazz-hands by Bishop Rick to implement the Diocesan Report “Moving on in Musical Theatre”.

Hymns and Worship Songs have had their day, so the Church needs some saxophone appeal, sequins on its plainsong sequences, glitter on Light’s Glittering Morn. Yes, it’s time to revive Godspell, JCSS and Joseph, and to compose and produce some new musicals. For instance ;-)>>

“Alpha Sixpence” – the story of Nicky Silver-Tongue, Eton lad made good. Inspired by the way the first Christians met over Chilli con Carne and Coffee to discuss the meaning of life and receive the gift of white teeth, he created a world-wide franchise of courses based on the Holy Three Musketeers, alpha one and one for all. It’s time for making your mind up!

“Blessed” – this all-singing, no-dancing Puritan musical tells the untold story of Richard Baxter and the catechesis of Kidderminster. He steered a middle way through the Civil War, Regicide and Restoration of the 17th century with songs like Defying Gravitas, Why can’t a Bishop be more like a Christian? How do you solve a problem like Cromwell? And These are a few of my favourite Hymns – indeed “Ye holy angels bright” is one of his.

“Love Indestructible” – with music from the quill of erstwhile Hogwarts’ Music Professor, Gilderoy Kendrick, including Me-ness & Majesty and the Abba-inspired Knowing me, knowing you, Jesus. This Gerry Anderson tribute is a battle between good and evil led by the Ancient of Days, Colonel White, and his Agents & Angels, from their Cloudbase in the skies against fallen Agent Captain Black and the Mysterons from Mars. The cold-war symbolism in 1967 was pretty clear; what of today? Spectrum is Green as Captain Scarlet, Destiny Angel and their comrades fight the foe, and never mind if the acting is wooden. The church militant, fighting alongside its resurrected, indestructible saviour, is not an image we find easy, but, 50 years on, the church of nice thoughts has left many in the current generation unimpressed and unmoved.

A few long words for the Oxford Movement English Dictionary ;-)>>
Ecclesiastically – narrow lane where church supplies are sold
Inextinguishable – longest word in any hymn, or those annoying candles that can’t be blown out
Inestimable – another excessive rise in our Parish Share to fund the Diocese’s Groats Strategy
Indestructible – Captain Scarlet, or Love in the worship song Meekness and Majesty
Indistinguishable – male or female Priests once they’ve put on a beautiful Chasuble or Cope
Inspiraviationally – how our Peregrines practise in the nest box before their first flight
Syntax – penance or, in medieval times, indulgence
Unaussprechlichen – unutterable German sighs from Bach’s Motet Der Geist hilft.

Pythagoras Book Society.
Dr Hapax Legomenon, Reader in Longwords at the Pythagoras Institute of Indisciplinary Studies suggests some Summer reading.

For those high on the liturgical spectrum – A Manual of Anglo-Catholic Devotion.
MACD is a real book, a beautifully produced purple compendium of Office Hymns, Prayers, Psalms, Antiphons, Readings and Devotions for the whole Christian Year, complete with Calendar, Lectionary, Commentary and Tables. Keep your personal or group prayer time in step with the Church or just make Ordinary Time this Summer a little less ordinary. MACD was compiled by Fr Andrew Burnham, sometime flying Bishop of Ebbsfleet, who sadly caught Pope Benedict’s Express to Rome and is now a Monsignor in the Ordinariain’t. Notwithstanding, MACD is a treasury of holy words and a gift to us all. Warning: contains some modern language.

Several other editions are in preparation by St Pythag’s Press ;-)>>
A Manuel of Anglo-Catalan Devotion
An Automatic of North-American Devotion
A Toolkit of Do-It-Yourself Devotion
A Drumkit of Youth Devotion
A Wipe-Clean Resource of Messy Devotion
An E-manuel of Online Devotion
and for our Evangelical brethren, we really want to thank you Lord for
the 700 page Handbook of Spontaneous Worship and Extempore Prayer.

Dr Hapax (I shall write zis only once) also recommends:-
A recently discovered Sherlock Holmes story – A Study in Scarlatti, or Murder at the Harpsichord.
The story of early German porcelain – Of Meissen Men.
A romp through the herd garden of life with Sir Basil and Dill the dog – A Brief History of Parsley, Sage, Rosemary & Thyme.
Explaining the origin of those ovals, dots, lines and Italian words – A Semi-Breve History of Music Notation.
Making Fundraising fun and Stewardship hip – We need to talk about Giving.

Here at St Pythag’s, my latest fantasy fundraising scheme is offering sponsorship opportunities for our Hymns and Anthems. Thus far ;-)>>
The local Wildlife Trust sponsored the anthem “Our conservation is in Devon”.
Oldie Concern fought off Pychester Pride for the hymns “Grey is Thy faithfulness” and “How grey thou art”. Pride have opted instead for “No more a closet walk with God”.
Thanks to Ecclesiastical for “Blessed Insurance”, and to the Children’s Bookshop for “Blessed be the BFG”, that great anthem by SS Wesley.
The Opticians took 2 for the price of 1 with “Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart” and “Bright the vision that delighted”, while the Beaker Folk blog requested “There is a land of pure tea-lights”.
First Great Wessex will be sponsoring Sir John Stainer’s great tribute to Isambard Kingdom Brunel, “I saw the Lord … and his train filled the Temple Meads”.
They also seem rather keen on checking for sins; I thought 7 was enough, but recently spotted this at Exeter St David’s Station…

Talking of Hymns, I found this plea from York Minster Old Choristers’ Association, via an Exeter & District Organists’ Association newsletter.

Dear Lord and Father of mankind,
forgive our foolish ways:
for most of us, when asked our mind,
admit we still more pleasure find
in hymns of ancient days,
in hymns of ancient days.

The simple lyrics, for a start,
of many a modern song
are far too trite to touch the heart;
enshrine no poetry, no art;
and go on much too long,
and go on much too long.

O, for a rest from jollity,
and syncopated praise!
what happened to tranquillity?
the silence of eternity
is hard to hear these days,
is hard to hear these days.

Send Thy deep hush, subduing all
those happy claps that drown
the tender whisper of Thy call;
triumphalism is not all,
for sometimes we feel down,
for sometimes we feel down.

Drop Thy still dews of quietness,
till all our strumming cease;
take from our souls the strain and stress
of always having to be blessed;
give us a bit of peace,
give us a bit of peace.

Breathe through the beats of praise-guitar
Thy coolness and Thy balm;
let drum be dumb, bring back the lyre,
enough of earthquake, wind and fire,
let’s hear it for some calm,
let’s hear it for some calm.

Of course there is an irony here, in that “Dear Lord and Father of Mankind” has words selected from a longer poem, The Brewing of Soma written by American Quaker poet John Greenleaf Whittier in 1872, and first used by Garrett Horder in his 1884 Congregational Hymns. So, not so ancient after all.

And Sir Hubert Parry originally wrote the music for what became the tune Repton in 1888 for a contralto aria “Long since in Egypt’s plenteous land” in his oratorio Judith. Not until 1924 did Dr George Gilbert Stocks, director of music at Repton School, link it to “Dear Lord and Father of mankind” as a tune sung in the school chapel.

Enjoy the rest of the Summer and, as Sir Isaac Newt once said, “If I have seen a falling apple, I was standing on the shoulders of ants.”
Richard Barnes.

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Easter came late to the fictitious Church of St Pythagoras & All Angles in the Diocese of Pychester this year. Lent started a week late at St Peregrine’s Cathedral as Dean Arius and Sister Tius were away on Retreat; an Alpine ski retreat with the catechumens of the confirmation class considering the spiritual similarities of the downhill slalom to the game of croquet. Rather than shorten Lent, using the so-called Fast Forward option, the whole Diocese decided to grow beards and keep Easter Julian calendar style with the Orthodox Church on 12th April.

With our best robes and bonnets, chanting, incense, hundreds of candles and tables groaning with food and drink, the Easter Vigil at St Pythag’s to my fanciful eye looks rather like a banquet in the Great Hall at Hogwarts. Indeed, the purple robe, spear and stone have all played their hallowed parts in the story of the Passion and the love of Christ has triumphed, harrowing hell and dispelling the darknesses of this world with the grace and glory of his Resurrection. Alleluia!

A few relevant words for the Oxford Movement English Dictionary ;-)>>
Church Plant – the trendy way of being Church, especially useful for clergy bored with a grumpy old Parish and looking for a new model to revive their flagging liturgy.
Episcopally – friendly with the Bishop, or a narrow Dickensian street where Bishops and actresses ply their trade.
Peregrinus – term used during the early Roman empire to denote a free provincial subject of the Empire who was not a Roman citizen, hence a wanderer or pilgrim.
Pilgrimage of Greys – a Saga holiday tour.
Plantagenet – even better than a Church Plant at bringing in new people, especially for a Cathedral.
Procrastination – to be defined tomorrow.
Spring – when an old man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of gardening.
Trendy – in church terms, adopting musical, management and training styles that were popular in society and business 15 years ago, and now largely discredited.
True Romance – where a Cornish clergyman might live.

Given recent events in Leicester surrounding King Richard III, it seems clear that it is not Church Plants but the Church Plantagenet that will bring in new worshippers. Nevertheless, inspired by the beauty of St Pythag’s Easter Garden, our Bishop of Pychester has taken up the challenge, issued recently by the Bishop of London, to be the new Bishop for Church Plants. After pottering around his Palace gardens during Lent with a copy of “A Brief History of Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme”, Bishop Rick is ready to modernise the Diocese this Spring by establishing the Fellowship of Saints Bill & Ben and the Blessed Weed to prick out and pot on radical young disciples for the task.

Church Planting has a long and diverse history; not justin the Early Church, but with Saints Francis and Dominic stirring up the complacent 13th century Catholic church with their make do & mendicant orders of Friars and Preachers, and with Whitefield and the Wesleys riding rough-shod over the sleepy 18th century CofE to build Methodism. In response to the Industrial Revolution, numerous inner-city Anglo-Catholic Parishes were spawned as the Victorian Oxford Movement took root.

Bishop Rick has been busy trying to replace the complicated and controversial theories of the Atonement with theories of the Allotment. But he found there an equally wide spectrum, from the infra-Liberal ‘weeds are plants too’, to the ultra-Calvinist ‘selecting only the perfect’ for the Flower and Produce Judgement. From the Garden of Eden to images of wheat & tares growing together, pruning for more fruit, and Mary Magdalen meeting the risen Jesus in the Garden, there’s plenteous food for thought. Is God the Groundforce of our being, and just how much incense does it take to fumigate the Potting Shed?

So, the plan is, those churches that were successful in bids to the Thatch Repair Fund are safe, but, given the shortage of affordable barn conversions in the diocese, many listed chocolate-box churches with only a few toffees and humbugs left in their congregations will be sold off to our friends in the City for redevelopment.

This financial windfall will fund the building of 50 Sheds of Pray on village greens and allotments across the county, equipped with state-of-the-art sound systems and giant display screens, replacing troublesome musicians and boring old books. This will be especially useful for Baptism Services, when the Font size can be adjusted to fit the baby, and, with virtual reality headsets, adults can even opt for the total immersion experience.

Indeed, we foresee the day when multi-sensory headsets will mean that everyone can worship at home or on the golf course or moor or beach, with the sacrament delivered by 3-D printer. To this end, as Parish Priests retire they will be replaced by Sacrament Facilitators based in the Diocesan Centre of Online Liturgy (COOL). To oversee consistency with the Archiepiscopal Mainframe, we are advertising for a Director of Digital Mission Facilitation.

“Are you fed up with PCC Meetings? Bored with Parish Ministry? Do you think pastoral work is so passé? Rejuvenate your career with our Mission position. Well-equipped office, attractive salary and secretary. You could overturn decades of faithful informed local ministry, clone Shed-based fresh infusions of church in far-flung corners of the Diocese, and be back in time for Choral Evensong in the Cathedral.”

Now, our Cathedral of St Peregrine may not have a mediaeval monarch to rebury, but under its car park lie our Roman Baths and Temple of Mithras. With generous funding from Wessex Olde Things and the Big Raffle, we had planned to develop these as an exclusive spiritual health spa and gym, a fresh expression of muscular Christianity, until someone mentioned the recent bad events at Pagford (where were the churches?). It looks like we will have to go with a multi-sensory 4-D interactive virtual pilgrimage “Festivals of Wessex” from Stonehenge to Glastonbury and a Heritage Garden Centre for Church Plants.

After the success of “Italy Unpacked” on the BBC, Spring on PyTV will feature the popular Food & Travel programme “O Taste and See” exploring Wessex from the ancient croquet playing Cerne Abbas Giant to the sun-worshipping surfers of St Ives. Andy (I look at things) and George (I cook things) will travel the highways and by-ways of the West Country in search of the best in art, food and religion. Will they be visiting your cathedral refectory, church, festival or allotment shed?

The Science Angle.
How to remember the Colours of the Rainbow. The church horticultural is no longer comfortable with the aggressive associations of “battle” and “violet”, nor with the imperial tone of purple, preferring the more gentle lilac, so the revised common mnemonic will be:-
(Son of) Richard Of York Got (re)Buried In Leicester.

Sorry if I’m a bit ambivalent about the CofE’s new-found enthusiasm for Church Plants; fine where they are truly cultivating new ground in the widest sense, but not fine to replace the variegated life of our Parishes with a liturgically-modified monoculture of clones of the Holy Top Brand franchise.

Hope you have had a Happy and Joyful Easter,
Richard the Barnes.

For a more elegant and ultimately hopeful satire on the future of the Church of England, try the following little story from Prof Martyn Percy, Dean of Christ Church, Oxford:- Sorry, this link is no longer available.
Faith in the Free-Market: A Cautionary Tale.

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In the spirit of such reports, I have been developing a Lent Discipleship Course with our sister church, Santa Croce in Extremis, based on the game of Croquet, beloved of Edwardian Vicarage lawns. The Genesis of Croquet is hidden in the long grass of time, but when I did Croquet it was played by earnest young men and intelligent little old ladies; a microcosm of the CofE in its heyday.

Croquet is like a cross between Snooker and Quidditch, played on grass, and is a parable of the religious life with many hoops to be run, hopefully with a partner ball, before you peg out. Each of the 6 hoops offers the disciple 2 spiritual lessons.

1. Liturgical colours – save for purple (Advent/Lent), the balls cover the whole set of liturgical colours; blue (Our Lady) and black (All Souls) play red (Martyrs) and yellow (golden Christmas & Easter), while in a second game white (Our Lord) and pink (Gaudete/Laetare) play brown (Lenten Array) and green (Trinity/Ordinary). I can sing a rainbow.

2. Integrities – with primary and secondary colours, 2 games can be played on the same lawn; like 2 Integrities in the same Church.

3. Roquet – when one ball strikes another; useful for puns like “Roquet of Ages, cleft for me” and “What cheese do croquet players like? Roquefort”.

4. Croquet – place your ball against the roqueted ball and strike it so both move; you will achieve more by playing constructively to build a break using balls of many colours, rather than banishing balls to the long grass, however tempting it may seem.

5. Temptation – even though the CofE has written the Devil out of its Baptism promises, the Dark Lord will still try and tempt you by “laying a tice”; playing his ball a tempting distance from yours to entice you to shoot and miss and hinder your progress around the course.

6. Fellowship – to win at Croquet, you have to help your partner ball to run all the hoops as well as you; isn’t the Christian life a bit like a game of Croquet?

At this half-way point the course offers a variety of activities, depending on which option you are playing.
a. Alpha – receive your teeth-whitening and Songs of Praise smile.
b. Emmaus – special afternoon tea with Jesus before returning to Jerusalem.
c. Pilgrim – historical visit to Stonehenge to stand where Merlin taught Dumbledore to play Wizards’ Croquet.
d. Scientist – tax-free visit to the Large Hadron Croquet facility at CERN where relativistic roquets result in non-Newtonian behaviour of the balls. Find a Higgs boson and celebrate Mass.
e. Social media – visit the Land of Pure Tea-lights that is home to the Beaker Folk of Husborne Crawley for a retweet led by Archdruid Eileen.

7 (known as 1 back). Stewardship – you like playing Croquet, so consider joining the Club as a regular member; ask the Treasurer about subscription options.

8 (2 back). Disappointment (the bit some other courses miss out) – no one wins every game and very few get through all the hoops of life without setbacks; when you’re experiencing the Long Grass of the Soul or feeling short-changed by God, seek help, try changing your grip or your swing, or even change your Club, but above all persevere.

9 (3 back). Meditation – while sitting out (when the opponents are in play) you may crochet a lacy cotta for a server.

10 (4 back). Theology – from here one player can, with considerable intellectual and physical skill, peel their partner ball though the last 3 hoops while running their own hoops in a feat of joined-up play known as a Triple Peel.

11 (Penult). Inclusive/Welcoming – with the help of bisques (free turns, not soup) all ages and genders can play Croquet on a level cathedral green; is your Church – sorry, Club – a community which welcomes new players, explains how to play and offers coaching if wanted?

12 (Rover). Vespers – the end is nigh; get the thurible going so you can incense any wasps that try to spoil your enjoyment of felicity at the heavenly bun-fight.

Peg-out – and go to the club-house banquet for tea and cucumber sandwiches (Evangelicals) or prosecco and strawberries (Anglo-Catholics). Join the Lord of the Dance and do the Roquet-Croquet.

Into the growing Oxford Movement English Dictionary, I can add:-
Aga Father – the Vicar’s divine cookery course.
Chair Practice – replaces Choir Practice when a Church is re-ordered.
Choroclasm – destruction of robed choirs in the late 20th century to be replaced by worship groups.
Petanque – a French Expression of Croquet.
Subjunctivitis – a pedantic need to use the correct mood of the verb, if there be a conditional clause.
Taize – a French Impression of Church.
West Gallery Band – historical worship group.
Wolf Whistles – Tudor Organ Music.

On BBC4 Dr Janina Ramirez has been exploring Britain’s monastic history from the asceticism of the Celts to the successful organisations which flourished prior to the dissolution of the monasteries in the 16th century. Her first revelation was that the Celtic Church was not led by grass-roots, tree-hugging eco-activists, but by sons of wealthy clan chieftains, given land and money to found monasteries as powerhouses of prayer. Effective evangelism started with converting the king, or his wife, and then faith would trickle down through the court and out to the folk.

In a spin-off programme, PyTV presents “I’m a Celibate, get me out of here.” A dozen ascetics from all faiths and nuns compete in tasks like Baking honey & locust cakes, Strictly liturgical dancing (remember the diaphanous 1970s), the Chant, and the Great Cistercian Sewing Habit, overseen by a black-robed Scottish bishop with a Raven-headed crozier; let the challenge … begin.

The Pythagoras Institute for Indisciplinary Studies is disappointed that no fragments of “Fulge Jesu Fulge” have turned up in the Oxyrhynchus papyri or indeed in the Ipplepen Roman cemetery.

However, for Latin Lovers, our Codex Dinhamensis contains a fragment from Carmina pueri puellaeque, Children’s Songs, found in De Revolutionibus Wheelsondibus by Nickelodeon Copernicus published in 1543 just before tea-time. In particular
“Caput umeris genua et digitos genua et digitos,
oculos et aures et os atque nares”
makes me wonder whether medieval choirboys warmed up with a few verses of “God be in my head, shoulders, knees and toes” before practising
“Deus in capite et in intellectu meo, Deus in oculis meis et in aspicientibus …”, familiar to us through the music of Walford Davies and John Rutter.

Maths Angle – the Church of England is now like a quadratic equation with 2 valid solutions, see Hoop 2 above. E.g. x^2-9x+8=0, (x-1)(x-8)=0, so x=1, for those who cannot accept women as priests or bishops, and x=8, for those who have accepted women as priests and bishops. Writing a cubic equation that includes gay bishops is left as an exercise for the reader.

Punctuation Point – advert seen in the Church Times.
The Haberdashers’ Aske’s Boys’ School – Nurturing Excellence – in apostrophes, presumably!

What did the dough say to the baker? It’s nice to be kneaded.
No hedgehogs or flamingos were harmed in the making of this blog.

Richard Barnes.

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There’s a little quiz to ‘name’ the Angel-(tri)angles pictured throughout the blog. Answers at the bottom. (Views expressed in this blog are personal, light-hearted and not intended to cause any offence – RichardBarnes.)

“The bells of waiting Advent ring,”
famously wrote Sir John Betjeman in his poem “Christmas”. But another poem of his, Advent 1955,
“The Advent wind begins to stir
With sea-like sounds in our Scotch fir,”
is also worth searching out (copyright prevents reprinting). At that very time my parents were waiting for their Christmas baby to arrive.

I do enjoy a nice typo, and here’s a real one I spotted recently for some seasonal elf and safety training. “Health & Safety for Mangers” – presumably that would be for Mary & Joseph and others with line(age) management responsibilities.

Into the growing, or groaning, Oxford Movement English Dictionary, I’ve been asked to add:-
Apse – a download for your smartphone or tablet to upgrade its architecture.
Messy Solennelle – a Catholic version of Messy Church.
O Llama God – a version of the Agnus Dei for use with the Peruvian Gloria.
L’Église – a French Expression of Church.

On PyTV, look out for the Apse Factor. The final of this church architecture talent show features the classical order of Justin Pediment, the Irish Rococo splendour of Baroque O’Bama, the Victorian Gothic of Augustus Pingu, and the functional Modernism of Lars Pews-gone.

As the final film instalment of The Hobbit comes out, I recall a BBC TV presenter recently telling us that Lewis Carroll, author of Alice in Wonderland, regularly met with JRR Tolkien and the other Inklings in the Eagle and Child pub in Oxford to discuss their literary creations. An intriguing idea, but not ‘strictly’ true, they would never have met, their lives only overlapping by a few years. He must have meant Inspector Lewis, and Morse – only joking, C S Lewis, of course.

For some festive fantasy for children of all ages, dust off the Box of Delights (book or DVD) by John Masefield, and travel back 80 years with young Kay Harker and old Cole Hawlings to Tatchester, where the Wolves are Running, to save the Bishop, the Cathedral and Christmas itself from the evil schemes of the wizard who has taken over the theological college. The BBC adaption over 6 half-hour episodes was filmed at locations mainly in Herefordshire, and features music from Hely-Hutchinson’s Carol Symphony.

At Christmas Midnight Mass, as well as the ever poignant …
Yet with the woes of sin and strife
The world has suffered long;
Beneath the angel-strain have rolled
Two thousand years of wrong;
And man, at war with man, hears not
The love-song which they bring;
O hush the noise, ye men of strife,
And hear the angels sing.
… so appropriate to the 20th century and this centenary of World War I (but written in Massachusetts in 1849), let us also recall “The Oxen”, a poem by Thomas Hardy published in The Times on Christmas Eve, 1915.

Christmas Eve, and twelve of the clock.
“Now they are all on their knees,”
An elder said as we sat in a flock
By the embers in hearthside ease.

We pictured the meek mild creatures where
They dwelt in their strawy pen,
Nor did it occur to one of us there
To doubt they were kneeling then.

So fair a fancy few would weave
In these years! Yet, I feel,
If someone said on Christmas Eve,
“Come; see the oxen kneel,

“In the lonely barton by yonder coomb
Our childhood used to know,”
I should go with him in the gloom,
Hoping it might be so.

So, a Blessed Christmas to all when He arrives.

But where is the humorous, dodgy scholarship of St Pythag’s, you may be wondering?

At this time when the light of our Lord is shining, in the midst of the darkness shining, the Pythagoras Institute for Indisciplinary Studies presents “The Effulgent History of the Worship Song, Shine, Jesus shine.” In 2013 many people celebrated the Silver Jubilee of this much loved and sometimes derided opus from the pen of Graham Kendrick. But could there be a pre-history to be fabricated for these stirring lyrics and music?

By coincidence in Autumn 2013, choir members at St Michael’s discovered Codex Dinhamensis, containing a 16th century manuscript with polyphonic music and Latin words, Domine lux tui amoris lucet … Fulge Jesu Fulge, remarkably similar to Shine, Jesus shine. A performing edition was constructed and ascribed to the little known composer Giovanni di Kendrika, born in 1507 in the Italian city of Apiclapi. An accomplished musician from an early age, he is, however, now only remembered for the eventful and notorious period, culminating in the ‘Great Handclapping Schism’ of 1548, as maestro di capella of the Capella Giulia at St Peter’s Rome, predecessor of his better-known contemporary Palestrina.

Then, in a move that would be repeated some 400-odd years later, the Council of Trendi in 1563 caused a time of Choroclasm in which organs and robed choirs, in all but the most prestigious institutions, were replaced by mandolins and gruppi musici, singing sanitised versions of popular music from their youth.

Another manuscript dated Leipzig 1608 has the same words and similar music arranged as a Lutheran Choral by the German Schein, Johann Schein, thought to be a pseudonym of the little-known composer Johann Sebastian Kendrich.

Analysing the text of Shine, Jesus shine, it seems clear that two earlier works have been combined sometime before the 16th century. The motifs of the Antiphon or Chorus – Shine, Blaze, Flow, Send – are in the Christus Victor style of the late Classical period and were perhaps penned by the lyricist Tinned Rice of the Ambrosian school of hymnography in the 4th century, or else Venantius Unfortunatus in the 6th. However the ideas of inundation and worship of Sun and River suggest to me an origin way, way back many centuries earlier in Ancient Egypt.

Some New-Age devotees have suggested various pagan origins in river cults such as Tyne Geordie Tyne or Rhein Mädchen Rhein, but, like much else, these cannot be traced back beyond post-Enlightenment Romanticism.

The verses, by contrast, seem to use a more sombre, medieval imagery – in mediis tenebris lucet, in the midst of the darkness shining; Domine venio ad faciem tuam terribilem, Lord I come to your awesome presence; per sanguinem intrabo splendorem, by the blood may I enter your brightness – or be reminiscent of the Psalmist in his darker moods. They appear first along with the familiar Tonus Kendrickus plainsong in the late 12th century Serve’em Rite, a short-lived alternative to the Sarum Rite, but somehow failed to find a place in Cranmer’s Book of Common Prayer.

With this understanding of its illustrious pre-history, I’m sure we will all be much more willing to raise our hands and sing
“Fulge Jesu Fulge, replete hanc terram gloria patris,
Flagra spiritu flagra, incende corda nostra,
Flue flumen flue, inunda gentes gratia misericordiaque,
Emitte verbum tuum Domine, et fiat lux.”

Codex Dinhamensis also contains a fragment from the Confessions of St Augustine of Hippo:-
Lutum lutum gloriosum lutum, nihil omnino sanguis ad refrigerandum.
now better known set to music by Flanders and Swann.
And a lost final Sailors’ Chorus from Purcell’s opera Dido & Aeneas:-
Dido, Dido, it’s off to sea we go.

Finally a few little “Knock, knock” jokes, such as you might find in your Christmas Crackers.
Knock, knock. – Who’s there? Owen. Owen who? Owen the saints go marching in.
Knock, knock. – Who’s there? Andy. Andy who? Andy Glory of the Lord shall be revealed.
Knock, knock. – Who’s there? Wendy. Wendy who? Wendy red, red robin comes bob, bob bobbin’ along.
Knock, knock. – Who’s there? Wayne. Wayne who? Wayne a manger.
Knock, knock. – Who’s there? Wenceslas. Wenceslas who? Wenceslas train to Exeter?

Rejoice in the Lord alway, and again I say, Merry Christmas.

Those Angels? – Equilateral – Isosceles – Scalene – Obtuse – Acute.

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